How The Fuck Do I Come Out?

Yay! You’ve decided that yes, it’s time to be a girl.

Right… how the fuck do we do that?

Well, as we said in our piece on “How do I know if I’m a girl”, no one at Artemis is a licensed medical professional, and we can’t give formal advice. What we can offer is our own perspectives. All of us are trans women, we’ve all been through the same questions and anxieties, and we all know that coming out is so much easier said than done.

Nonetheless, we can all say that it’s been the best decision we ever made. Whatever shape your life takes in the future, you’re going to be proud of yourself and so glad that you did it.

Tl;dr: Fucking own it and don’t take anyone’s shit

How to start

This is a journey you’re making for the rest of your life, so there’s no reason why you have to rush it. The first steps will set the foundation for how the whole thing shakes up, so do what you know will make this the easiest for you. It can be gathering support, setting boundaries with unsupportive people, or taking time to get to know yourself better.

Get to Know Yourself

It sounds cringey to say that transitioning is one of the most joyful experiences that exists, and yet it’s true. There are precious few human experiences that give you more of a connection to the innermost core of yourself. You should embrace that.

Confronting all the parts of yourself that you’ve been repressing can be terrifying as fuck. That’s okay. Once the box is opened, it can’t be snapped shut again, so be gentle on yourself. These thoughts came from somewhere, right? Did you get a strong urge to select playing as a girl when you first played Pokemon? Or maybe you loved Riot Grrl music as a teenager? Maybe you should try playing Pokemon again or blasting those bangers and this time, grow a newfound sense of appreciation for why they were so important to you.

Be excited! Femininity is a beautiful concept. While it has the stereotype of being restrictive and fetishising by the misogynistic side of the world, it offers so much in the way of empowerment to transgender girls. Women have always been at the forefront of human expression and cultural output, and trans femme history is also full of examples of powerful, amazing women killing it in their fields. It feels great to be a part of that and it gives us a litany of inspiration we can delve into for building a larger sense of self.

As a teenager, I was a massive music nerd and I loved girly pop music. To this day, I still use pop stars such as Charli XCX, Chappell Roan and Hannah Diamond for inspiration. In a society in which the achievements of women are discredited, it’s empowering to portray myself as hyper femme as possible and serve cunt. All of that started with my first few steps.

I got a lot of dysphoria from my hair being short, so I wore extensions while I was waiting for my hair to grow out. I borrowed clothes from my close friends at the time and wore them so much that they started to tear. I also took my time in choosing my new name.

Despite the stereotype of trans people naming us the feminine version of our deadname, I meet very few transgender women who actually do that. I’ve met girls who name themselves after their favourite TV characters, a historical figure they admire, their first schoolyard crush, or their favourite Bake Off host. In my opinion, there’s no better way to affirm your identity than choosing your own name however you want. Be creative, spend some quality time with yourself, and enjoy the process :)

Don’t neglect your life

It can be easy to get sucked in the whirlwind of embracing your trans femme self, but it’s important not to leave behind who you were before. Remember: you aren’t killing your past self, you’re growing as a person into your new self. Your friendships, hobbies and dreams don’t change when you transition. You just gain better context for what they are.

Even if some of your pre-transition hobbies were stereotypically masculine, such as robotics, engineering, sports or cars, it doesn’t mean you can’t embrace them as a woman. Not every trans woman has to have the Barbie doll pre-transition story, and not every woman wants to be Kim Petras. Be proud of yourself, everything you’ve done in your past, and everything you have opened yourself up to for your future.

Being transgender isn’t your identity, and it probably won’t even be one of the most interesting parts of yourself. It doesn’t change how you love, how you act, what you enjoy. It’s just a social construct that helps you relate to some people, and provides context in your life. 

Gather support

I would consider this the most important part of the coming out process. While it’s critical to ensure that you can set boundaries around people who will make your life harder, it’s so much more rewarding to include people who will support you and be excited about your future.

Everyone remembers the first person they came out to, and there’s no wrong answer to who it has to be. The best piece of advice I could give is, find someone else who is queer in some way. The simple reason for this is, they will know what it feels like to come out and will be in the best position to give you the support that you need.

This might be a close friend, a teacher, a random classmate you’ve never spoken to before, or a Twitter mutual. It doesn’t matter who it is or what you use to select this person, the only surefire way to know is vibes. Do you get a sense that you can trust this person? Do you feel like this is someone who will have good advice and keep your identity secret until you’re ready to share it? Have you shared moments with this person before that make you feel safe with them and do you feel like they will understand the importance of this?

Once you’ve selected this person, talk to them about it in a way that feels comfortable to you. Again, there’s no right or wrong way to do this, and you might make a mess of it. You could write it down ahead of time and share it as a DM, or you could take someone aside in a private space and do it quietly in person. Make sure you talk to them in a space you know will be secure, you won’t be interrupted, and is completely safe and comfortable for you.

Finding the words can be hard, and sometimes cisgender people struggle with knowing what “lol im a girl” actually means, which can get frustrating. The first time I came out, my mum thought I was joking until I told her again years later. Don’t be afraid if you panic, start crying, or need to change tactics. Some people take many attempts before they can get the words out. The important thing is, you’re working on gathering the support you need. Once you have the first person on your side, you can work on getting more, and you can seek more advice from multiple different people to tackle the challenges you’re really afraid of.

Set Boundaries

Nearly every single transgender person has that one person they’re terrified of coming out to out of fear of what they’d say and how they might react. It might be a parent, a sibling, a childhood friend, or a co-worker. We’ve all been there.

Here’s the thing: how you choose to respond to this is entirely up to you. There is absolutely no reason why you need to tolerate people who refuse to accept you for who you are and cutting them out might be tempting, but it also isn’t that simple. 

You might still live with your parents. You might depend on someone for emotional support but worry if coming out as a girl will change your relationship with them. You might just have that really bigoted sibling who means a lot to you for whatever reason. You don’t need to justify these things. It’s fine.

However, coming out is a long and deeply personal process that will involve a lot of self-discovery and potential challenges. You need your personal space and you don’t need to deal with the stress of transphobia and misogyny within that space. Your personal space should be your safe space where you are free to make mistakes, unwind, experiment and let loose emotions that you aren’t ready to showcase to the outside world. The people within your personal life should be supporting that for you, not making it harder.

People might have various reasons for finding it difficult to accept you. Transphobia is rife in society, and family members might be earnestly panicking about your welfare for being such a targeted minority. This is valid, but whoever shares those concerns should know that the trans femme community is rich, diverse and supportive. Every single girl has the back of hundreds to thousands of others, no matter where she’s located, and in Australia particularly, we have a very “touch one, touch all” mentality to the safety of our community.

Other reasons might include worrying that you’ve rushed into this decision, that you might go through medical procedures you’ll regret, a sense of loss for the “boy” you were before, or betrayal and confusion that you didn’t “show signs” younger. All these reasons are much less valid. No one rushes through medical procedures, no one has been lost, and no one has the right to the innermost thoughts of another person. All of these common reactions to a loved one coming out are built on a sense of entitlement and control, and the important thing to remember is that your body and your identity will always be yours and yours alone.

It’s common for parents to fantasise about their child’s future or have rosy-eyed memories of their child’s early years. A revelation like “actually, I’m a girl” might cause all of that to crash down with one big rainbow missile. She might be crying over never having grandchildren, having to pay for your surgery, that her idea of you as a happy little boy was actually her fantasy all along, and that the weeks she spent picking the perfect name for you was all a waste of time.

That’s fine, she’ll get over it. Your place in the world isn’t in maintaining your mum’s fanfiction. If you were depressed and dysphoric as a child and you weren’t comfortable sharing this with your family, that’s not your fault. You were in the most vulnerable period of your life, and you shouldn’t ever feel guilty for that. You are a person, not a character in someone else’s story, and you have no obligation to maintain an image that distresses you.

When you love someone, it’s because you want to share in their life no matter how complicated and wild it gets. It means you want them to express their entire innermost self at all times and feel totally comfortable in doing so. Coming out isn’t a selfish process, it’s a selfless process that means including other people in a life-changing part of your life.

There is no reason to shut down parts of your life for the sake of other people. There is no shame in setting boundaries to ensure that your new pronouns, new name, and new and improved sense of self is shown the love and support it deserves.

Go for it!

At various points, you might still have questions about whether transitioning really is for you and whether it’s all worth it. It would be nice if it was more like a Elder Scrolls quest line with clear objectives, milestones and rewards, but it’s not. You need to set your own objectives, and you might have to reward yourself. But that’s okay, few things taste better than the first meal after coming out to your uncle even if he doesn’t take it well.

When you first come out, you might decide that you need surgery straight away. But in a year’s time, as you gain more friends and partners, you might decide you’d rather spend $30k on something else. Don’t worry, no one’s going to force you to go through surgery on day one. Some trans women go through their entire life without any surgeries or even hormones. It’s better to start with the small things.

It might seem silly, but one of the most rewarding and memorable moments might be your first shopping trip or sleepover. You might not find anything you want to buy, and you might not even care about your clothes that much, but doing something feminine with someone you trust can make a world of difference in terms of unlocking more parts of you that you repressed. The more you do things that you were never allowed to do as a boy, the more you feel accepted and appreciated as a girl, and you might be surprised at how much you love having painted nails too.

Humans are social creatures, and everything becomes better with people. Female friendships are a blessing, and don’t be afraid to express to your friends how much you mean to them. Major processes like posting your change of name form or going to a GP for hormones should be done with friends, and don’t be afraid to reward yourself afterwards with ice cream or pizza.

Most major cities in Australia also have dedicated spaces for trans women specifically so more girls can make life-long friendships

Links to trans fem events (Femish, Meanjin and Sydney equivalents etc)

It’s normal to feel shy about going out to events as a dysphoric child, but after coming out, it really is the perfect time to push yourself. Choose an event, whether that be a concert, a club night, a book launch, a fair - whatever it might be, and make a commitment to go as your true self with any friends you can bring. They will solidify the joy you feel in embracing your true self, and they’ll create life-long memories for your friends as well.

No matter what: you will be safe.

Our headlines get filled to the brim with scare campaigns around trans people. We’re either disgusting 40-year-old white rapists with wigs and dicks, or we’re petite 14-year-old white girls who need to be saved by our parents and clinicians. No matter what the case is, our stories get told and shaped by cisgender people. There are precious few stories out there detailing a realistic portrayal of what the transgender community actually is.

When you tell your loved ones that you’re a transgender woman, they’ll instantly grasp at the stereotypes they recognise. They’ll view your future by reference to the discrimination you might experience, the surgeries you might want, or the fetishes you’re supposed to have. They won’t know that most transgender girls that I’ve met have been the most talented, intelligent, wonderful, caring people who have changed my life for the better in every discernable way.

We support each other not because we feel like we have to, but because we want to. Because every transition is a beautiful and empowering moment, and because every single trans femme life makes the world a better place. Use that support. Tap into it. Remember that no matter if your coming out goes into the worst case scenario, you will always have those people behind you.

If you’re afraid to come out to your family or your partner, don’t be afraid to bring someone with you if you can. If you can’t, or you don’t feel comfortable, have people on call. Tell them what you intend to do. You might feel like you’re asking too much but trust me, it all swings and roundabouts and you might end up doing this for someone else someday. Don’t feel guilty about having a community.

Try doing it somewhere you have control of, such as your house or a local cafe with staff that you trust, and again, don’t worry about screwing it up. Make it simple if you need to, and don’t feel the need to tolerate harassment, uncomfortable questions, or guilt tripping. You are sharing something deep with them because you respect them, and you are entitled to respect in turn.

It can be terrifying. Our society isn’t built around love and respect for transgender women. But that doesn’t mean we can’t love and respect each other. Coming out is a long, complicated and sometimes painful process, but it’s one of the best things you can possibly do. Despite what people might say, you are a blessing in anyone’s life by being a transgender woman.