How Do I Know If I'm A Girl?
So we’ve had the dreams about walking through the streets in a beautiful long dress, getting our nails done at the salon, having sleepover parties where we play Chappell Roan as loud as possible, and we’re asking “how do I know if I’m a girl”? Hmmm…
Okay for real, this is a really important and delicate question. There isn’t any perfect way to offer support or advice for this, in spite of how badly cisgender people try to create a “typical transgender experience”, so we’re not going to give a perfect answer. We’re also not trained medical professionals in any way and not equipped to diagnose anyone with anything.
What we can offer, however, are our own trans femme perspectives and reassurance that we’ve been on this journey too. You’re not in this alone :)
Why did you click this page?
This is a cliche, but it’s a cliche because it’s real.
If you find yourself questioning how comfortable you are with the gender you were assigned at birth, it’s probably worth asking if the discomfort is worth tolerating for the rest of your life.
News flash - it isn’t typical for cis guys out there to be lying awake at night being like “holy shit, being a girl would be fun, wouldn’t it?” If you find yourself dealing with these thoughts to a degree that it leads to scrolling the Internet for answers, then it probably means something. Probably worth taking the hint.
Let’s switch gears for a second. What if “cisgender” wasn’t the default and let’s imagine that you were suddenly swapped into the body of a girl. Would you have the same curiosity of what it would be like to swap back to your assigned gender? What emotion does that spark in you?
Just because cisgender is treated as the default doesn’t mean you need to see it that way. You have the choice of which life to lead and what you want to do with your body. If your ideal life involves being a girl, then you can live as a girl.
Does becoming a girl just seem too hard?
Asking this question can feel a bit like asking a 40-year-old retail worker what their dream job was as a kid. Sure, we might fantasise about becoming a rich and famous pop star, but it doesn’t make it realistic. My life might’ve been better if I was born a girl, but we have to play the hand we’re dealt, right?
Well no, actually, we don’t. There’s nothing stopping us from just quitting the game and playing something else. Sure, there might be consequences. You can’t exactly just leave that retail job and start taking singing lessons when you have rent to pay, but it doesn’t mean it’s not theoretically possible.
Hold onto that word “possible”. Life is full of life-changing decisions, and the courage and support to make them. It just depends on what you want, how hard you’re prepared to work for it, and how much support you can get to make your dreams happen. The same is true with transitioning. Every single person in the world can transition if they want to. Yes, even you.
There is no right or wrong way to be a girl.
What if you have flashes of being a woman, but you feel like you can’t be transgender because you don’t actually feel unhappy with being a man? The fairytale image of a transgender girl is an 8-year-old, bawling her eyes out, horrified at the prospect of shopping for boy’s clothes, running away from school Sports Day and begging for Barbie dolls. What if you actually like playing sports and having beers with your mates?
Well, take a look at AFLW and you’ll find that lots of girls love kicking a footy and drinking beers with their mates. Who knew. Trans women are as varied as cis women because… we’re women. We’re not defined by our Barbie collection.
The intersection between transphobia and misogyny is a form of prejudice all on its own called transmisogyny, and it’s a massive reason why trans women are forced to display perfect femininity at all times to get acceptance from mainstream society. It doesn’t help that “perfect femininity” means tens of thousands of dollars, lusting after men, and worshipping the altar of cisgender supremacy. Not everyone wants to be Kim Petras, and no one should feel like they have to be.
I know trans women who love makeup, fashion, girly pop and pink accessories, and I know trans women who love footy, beer, fast cars and guns. Then there are girls who love both because *lesbian*. When you’re at the point of first coming out, proving your transness feels like the most important thing in the world. Ultimately though, it is just one thing about you, one more layer of what makes you special. Don’t let “stereotypical masculine” hobbies or features get in the way of who you are in your heart. No one is “unfeminine” enough to not be a girl.
There is no right or wrong way to be a girl.
But there totally is though! I hear you scream. I don’t just wanna be a “girl”, I wanna be pretty! I wanna pass! I don’t wanna be a ugly tr*nny with a dick no one will love meeeee!!!
Okay so, every single transgender woman I know has had these thoughts. It’s perfectly normal, in fact good, for a woman to want to be attractive, safe, happy and loved. Transitioning is not just about the transition itself, it’s about the person you grow into after coming out. It’s about realising what you’re capable of when you’re discovering your best self.
Before I transitioned, I was convinced that I was destined for a life without any kind of intimate contact with another human due to how uncomfortable I was with my body. I even identified as asexual for a while. These days, I have been stunned by the glow-up that hormones gave me, and I am happy to report that I have a very full and healthy love life. The worst enemy of every woman is herself, and this isn’t exclusive to trans women. Body image is a crippling issue for every woman, and while it is far far worse for us, it doesn’t change the fact that every woman is capable of being beautiful, being loved, and being celebrated for who we are.
That doesn’t mean lying to someone about how they look because you want to make them happy. Our community is cursed by hugboxing. When someone knows that they are fat, it doesn’t help someone to tell them that they look skinny out of fear of upsetting them. It only makes them feel more isolated and misunderstood. Our beauty standards are fatphobic, misogynistic and white supremacist, but knowing those things doesn’t change a woman’s desire to fit in and feel beautiful. Every woman deserves to feel attractive, and you can’t force someone to feel attractive by lying to them and shaming them when they can’t see it in a mirror.
What every woman needs is support and love. The best place to find that is from each other, but it has to be honest. When a trans girl knows that they will have trouble passing, it doesn’t help to tell her that “she passes so well” or that “passing is fake and transphobic”. For some girls passing can be very necessary for their own safety. It’s perfectly okay to be sad about the way you look and your prospects for fitting into the society you live in. No journey is more or less valid than anyone else’s.
When we say “there is no right or wrong way to be a girl”, what people often hear is “ugly girls are valid too”. What I want to mean is “every girl is capable of looking and becoming the girl they want to be”. Some transgender girls love having a dick, others hate it. Obtaining that perfect body may cost millions of dollars in surgeries, therapy, makeup and clothes, or it might not. Whatever the case, there is no reason why we shouldn’t be empowering each other to be their best self and live the life that they want.
The most common reason I’ve heard about why trans girls stay in the closet is because they worry that if they come out, they’re just going to be ugly. The message I’m trying to convey here is: you don’t have to be ugly. Whatever your standard for beauty is, you can obtain it, and you can find people who will help you get it. It might be hard, but it’s possible, because every woman deserves to feel beautiful, happy, safe and powerful.
Well, let’s go back to the initial question.
Okay… so what do I do with all this?
How do you know if you’re a girl? Because your head is screaming it at you. Because you know in your heart that you want desperately to be one. Because being a girl would be so fucking cool.
If your head is still full of those thoughts, then you need to know they’ll never go away. Despite what Terfs say, trans people don’t “get over it”. There might be other factors at play and other problems causing you distress and dissatisfaction with your life, and that’s fine. But the only way you’ll know for sure is by trying. It’s not as hard as it might seem.
Artemis is full of resources that will help you with the process of transition. There is no right or wrong way to do it. Social transition, medical transition and personal transition are all different things, and all are important and complex in their own way. Becoming the person you want to be is a process like it is with any life goal. Don’t stress! You’ll get there!
Here are some resources (Links)
If you came to this article expecting a flowchart that would definitively solve your problems, then sorry. Life can’t be solved with spreadsheets or questionnaires. The choice of whether you want to transition or not is up to you, and only you. It’s an emotional question, it’s a risk, and it can only be solved by giving it a go.
And you know what, it’s better that way. We advocate for a world for complete personal autonomy because no one should ever have the right to override any human being on choices about their own lives. You are the arbiter of your future, and if you decide to transition, then it’s because you made that choice. And in ten years time, a happy and fulfilled woman will look back at you and thank you.
And yes, we know that sometimes the consequences are more than just the expenses of surgery and tricky conversations with cis people. Nearly every country in the world has some level of legislated discrimination against transgender people, and an eye-watering amount of places have death sentences or enforced conversion therapy. Even in Australia, discrimination against transgender people is far too common and so many trans women have stories of being abused by their families.
At the end of the day, transitioning is a personal choice for everyone and we can’t shame anyone who decides to stay in the closet rather than face persecution. Nonetheless, the transgender community is a beautiful, diverse and welcoming space full of people who will understand and will support any transgender girl, no matter what backstory led her here. Artemis was founded in large part to provide easy access to resources and advice to transgender girls who are terrified of the consequences of coming out, and need support.
The queer community is here for you. It might seem ridiculous and fanciful now, but you are able to become that beautiful, powerful girl that you want to be. You can get whatever life you want. The hardest journeys begin with one step. Let’s take that first step together.